There are enough mechanical santas chanting electronic “ho ho hos” and enough stupid “antler hats” to insight you to a level of violence that would insure you a prominent spot on the six o’clock news. You’ve had it up to here with the electronic, rushed-through-production versions of Rockin’ Round The Christmas Tree that play at every grocery store you visit.

Ever year the noise seems to get worse and the holidays seem a bit less enjoyable. So what’s a body to do? How is it really possible to not only survive, but actually enjoy the holidays? With all the excess commercialism and Clay Aiken’s new christmas album, it seams near impossible. But all hope is not lost. There are five steps one can take to make this Holiday Season rather enjoyable.

  1. Get some Vince Guaraldi. Turn off the TV and play Guaraldi in the evening. Remember, you’re not at a Led Zepplin concert, play it at a reasonable, soft volume. This should cleanse your palette of Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer.
  2. Drink Egg Nog. If you’re not a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, put rum in it.
  3. See that girl in the Christmas tree t-shirt and a santa hat?… don’t talk to her.
  4. Remember that Christmas comes every year. It’s not critical that this year be the “best Christmas ever”. If anyone calls you a scrooge for having this philosophy, don’t worry about it. They’re an idiot.
  5. Do not, under any circumstances, enter one of the following: Wal-Mart, Saks Fifth Avenue, Border’s Books, Kroger, Target, Publix, a building that could be referred to as a mall, any shop that is only open at christmas, any store that spells shop with an e, Toy R Us, any shopping center, any grocery store, or any other place that you risk hearing Celine Dion belt out Merry Xmas (War is Over).

If you follow these five simple rules, you will undoubtedly enjoy the holidays.

Merry Christmas.